Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
FYI, I still hate you
Demons in my dreams again, bad memories, all of them
they chase me screaming, yelling curses and insults
using words I haven't heard in years,
words meant to break me and keep me down.
They taunt me like he did, calling me out on my insecurities
throwing me to the ground where I belong
yelling at me to get up
but I've stopped getting up
they only strike me down again
I stay down so they only yell
sticks and stones and all that.
One day you won't hurt me anymore
One day I won't be scared
I won't have nightmares
I won't cry and think of your words, your fists,
your screaming face, stinking of cheap liquor and smoke
I hate that smell
It smells like desperation
like black eyes and crushed dreams
like pushing away everyone that loves me
just to help you
to try to pull you up
but you wouldn't be pulled
you tore me down for trying to be there
I know I need to forgive you
But have you forgiven the person who did that to you?
The one who made you the way you are
I know he hurt you, I remember
you came to school with black eyes and cuts
I would hold ice to your face and reassure you
I had no idea in a few years you would destroy me
just like he destroyed you
but I won't turn into you.
I wont let you stay in my mind
I don't see your face anymore in my dreams
only hear your voice when I sit and remember
I try not to remember
but it still bothers me so much
I don't understand why.
Why you chose to hurt me
and until I know
I don't think I'll ever forgive you.
I hear a song makes me think of a girl I used to know....
I sing along when I hear it on the radio now...
All these years and I'm still in love with you.
Livin on a Prayer sounds a lot different
when you're hungry late at night
with no one but your lover by your side.
I can't orgasm.
This is most upsetting.
Talking to people who will never read this... Again.
Your humour is tasteless
Your hair is stupid
Your voice is loud. So is your movie.
I don't know who you are but I dont like you.
Now we're grown up orphans...
I feel it again
That deep, empty sorrow
the kind that consumed me in the years I've kept this journal
It's odd that I know the weight of such sorrow
when I have never lost someone I love
pets, friends of friends, but never to induce this.
I wonder why I know what it feels like
to feel like the hollow shell of a girl
my friends had come to know me as happy
it was always strange to me
to hear people who've met me recently
describe me as "bubbly" and "cheerful"
but after a year or two
I'd started to get used to it
I enjoyed my new place in life
"The cute one", "easily amused"
finding joy in the simplest shiny objects.
I feel... Undone. Set back by years.
I feel like the girl that stared at the floor while walking
avoiding conversations, ignoring everything around me
always wearing long sleeves.
I hated being that girl.
I don't want to be that girl.
but this tiny thought in the back of my mind
did you miss me?
I dont have time for you
I have a life now, a life that can't wait.
People depend on me, I can't afford to struggle
I can't live like this.
I won't live like this.
I'm stronger than this.
... I wish I believed that.
Sleep is for weenies
I have research to do.
This isn't even everything that makes me better than you.
I realize that even though I hate my child's father too, I have to get past my own petty issues for the sake of my daughter having parents that work together for her well-being.
I don't let criminals near my child.
I don't fuck them in my lover's bed either.
I notice when he's unhappy and instead of instigating fights, I listen and comfort him.
I have never been drunk or stoned around my baby.
I don't spend all his money and then bitch when he doesn't have any.
I've made love with him more in the past week than you had in a year.
I don't walk all over my friends and then kick them out when they grow the balls to stand up to me.
I also don't think I have the authority to kick someone out of a house that does not belong to me.
x < 2/3y
Where x = my pants size and y= my age
I have enough of a grasp of simple mathematics to know that I just called you fat.
I don't go out of my way to annoy people without very good reason.
I make sure my baby is safe and provided for before I spend an entire paycheck on a phone.
I also don't break every phone I get immediately after any kind of warranty expires.
I have more in store for me in my lifetime than living with my dad, getting stoned and managing at McDonalds.
Also, he says the sex is better with me.
Another quiet night
I sit here at my desk
Playing online and making little things like I do
Hiro is on the floor on his laptop making little things as well
I like having someone here to just be with me
Not necessarily doing something with me
Just next to me so I'm not alone
When babies do it they call it "parallel play"
I think I'm getting hungry though.
There;s mango ice cream in the freezer
I might mention that to him
I'm in a wonderful mood.
I'm getting things done
I like getting things done
There;s a book I want to start reading.
I think I'll go do that too.
Today at school one of my classmates talked to me
She told me I was her little one
that I was "bite size" and soooo cute
It was not the first time we talked
maybe the second or third
I really like her
I miss people like her
talkative, enthusiastic, such presence...
Things are getting difficult for me again
Not nearly as bad as it was five years ago
<i>Wow, was it that long ago?</i/>
But it scares me a little
Things are different now
There are people that need me to be well
I started a new project last night
I am making a case for my art stuff
I am making it of duct tape
It is going to be awesome
I think I am getting sleepy
I may turn off the lights and play xbox for a while
I guess some things never change
I don't ever wanna feel...
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love...
Take me all the way
New people. Same me.
Same self-centered bitchy me.
Life goes on.
I haven't been back here in so long
I found out that my father reads this
You can imagine how wonderful I felt after that.
Now I'm afraid to write.
Afraid to draw too.
I don't want him to see this.
I dont want him to see anything.
I want to grow up faster so I can get out of here
make a life for myself
wh owrote that high school always had to suck?
Do you hate me?
ohhh all the drama duck-boys graduated
And Ashley and KTB
I'll miss them so much
Like I miss Emily and Joe
We went out to Dinner with Andy and her family last night
I went home earrly because I was so tired
I haven't really done much today at all
Its annoying, I want to get something accomplished
Mako is working all day today so I can't go anywhere with him right now.
I miss Tag, he needs to get online.
I'm going with Thril to see Everclear tonight!
It'll be so fun!
I haven't talked to Tag in a long time
You should get online.
I got to see people today
I felt in better overall health than I have all week
I grabbed at Cael, Sorry for that, btw
but if you weren't gonna tell her then someone had to do it
And you left early last night
I wanted to complain at you
For some reason I'm thoroughly convinced that John is going to try to hurt me if he ever sees me again
I argued to myself that it wasn't in his nature to hurt anyone physically, especially me but alas, I didn't listen
I spent the past two days running from him and evading his eye
All morning I was sure I'd feel him grab my shoulder from behind and smash my face into the lockers.
I think he's going to get inducted
what if he goes to districts next year, I dont want to have to sleep in the same building with him-- RRRRRG!
Calm..The fuck.. Down.
And then psych #2 asked to see my arms
It actually felt kinda good to say no
This summers gonna suck though
I wanna live in Boston where it's never heat-stroke weather
I kinda miss Destroyer
I feel like provoking him to bite my hand off
He always wins, the game lies in how long I can last before I'll admit it hurts
Thril, Im so sorry I couldnt get you your ride
I was totally uninformed of the day's plans and had to just go with it.
Did you and Elle have fun?
I'm totally taking my "mental health day" when Mesmerize comes out.
Hitchiker's guide to the galaxy
I am now totally hgttg crazed.
The movie was ok,
I actually think I liked it better maybe for the following reason:
The movie had a plot.
But the book had more interesting details and overall, was more fun.
For maximum enjoyment however,
Read the book, then see the movie.
That way you get it all.
This is insane though
I just finished the book yesterday
and now I'm off to read it again.
Dad got me an ipod shuffle for my birthday
And I got clothes from mom
and Happy Bunny stuffs from anna.
Yesterday I went back to zero really fucking bad
But my Sean called me today
But now Im getting kicked offline
Go do your homework!
Georgie is begging for five across the face
Polls? You know, if a president tries to govern based on polls, you're kind of like a dog chasing your tail.
I don't think you can make good, sound decisions based upon polls.
Did the president of the United States just try to tell me that a democracy can't function if the leader makes descisions based on what the people want?
I know I'm politically biased
So this is me asking how else that statement can be translated
(A girl and a guy were speeding over 100 mph on a motorcycle)
Girl: Slow down. I’m scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its 2 scary!
Guy: Then tell me u love me.
Girl: Fine, I love u. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a hug.
(Girl hugs him)
Guy: Can u take my helmet off & put it on? It’s bugging me.
In paper next day: A motorcycle crashed into a building because of break failure.
2 people were on it, only 1 survived. The truth was that halfway down the road,
the guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn’t want to let the girl know.
Instead, he had her say she loved him, felt her hug one last time, then had her wear
his helmet so she would live even though it meant he would die
Bel is acting strange
I cant quite remember what she said last night
I dont want her talking to Slayer
No good can come of that
Practiced Fuck the System for half an hour today
I've got about half a song written
When the next GECK meet-up?
Why do you cry?
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I need to begin a new search for reason
The old one has ended
I need a plan.
I can't keep existing for nothing.
For the first time I feel betrayed
Voice is going crazy
apparently it is set off by this emotion in particular.
It screams at me to hurt everything, everyone
I want to scream and fight
I'm so angry right now, but trying to keep it in
School can be my goal.
I can go back to Citrus
That will make the time go quicker.
Maybe I can make a few friends
feel like I belong somewhere
at least temporarily.
I can see Thril and Elle and Kel again
They're still my friends
I love them alot
We might go see Everclear soon
I want Thril to meet Art.
I will not..
Mom wants us to go see someone
talk to them about my problems
I don't know how I feel about this.
I don't think I'll be able to open up.
Oh god, Rob and Cal just called
Theyre at Rob's house right now
God they're so much fun together
I'm in a better mood now.
Only I'm hungry.
So I'm gonna go watch a movie
And happy 4.20
Im starting cutting again
I'm really trying not to
Its early, my brain doesnt work right now
I'm gonna go get coffee
They re-elected Bush? I said
What next? A nazi for Pope?
From now on I'm keeping my mouth shut,
lest the Lord get any more bright ideas.